As family caregivers, we often become consumed by daily responsibilities: bathing, feeding, redirecting, reminding. Yet beneath those tasks lies something sacred—something only you, as someone who knows and loves them, can offer: the chance to honour who they were, to keep their story alive, and to affirm their identity even as dementia tries to erase it.
Know Their Story, and Tell It Often
If your loved one is still able to speak, treasure this time. Ask them questions about their life as if you’re interviewing a beloved celebrity. Invite them to reflect on moments of joy, growth, and love. Doing so doesn’t just preserve their legacy—it helps stimulate their mind, elevate their mood, and deepen your bond.
Here are a few guided questions and prompts to ask your loved one to help them recall and share meaningful stories—turning memory into a celebration of life now, not just at the end.
Tell me your first impression of your love when you met for the first time. Was it love at first sight?
What are some funny or unforgettable moments from when you were young?
What are some of your favorite memories with your friends?
What’s a family tradition you always looked forward to?
If your loved one can no longer communicate, you can use these questions to guide your own reflections—recalling special memories and moments you’ve shared together. Let these stories be your way of connecting with them. Even if they can’t respond, your words, tone, and presence can still reach their heart.
Here is an example to get you started:
I fondly remember the Christmas when ___.
One of my favorite things you used to cook was ___ because ___.
You always knew how to cheer me up by ___.
You had the best advice when you told me, “__.”
One of my fondest childhood memories is how you always cared for me when I had a tummy ache. You’d take that nice-smelling green oil from the medicine cabinet and gently warm your hand over the hot stove before rubbing it on my belly. I’m not sure if it was the oil or the warmth of your touch that made me feel better—but it always worked. I do the same now with my own kids, and every time I do, I think of you.
When caring for someone with changes to their personality due to their dementia symptoms, one of the most powerful things you can do is become the keeper of their story. Even if they don’t always understand or respond, storytelling roots them in the truth of their life—reminding everyone, including you, that this is a person with a rich, beautiful history, not just a diagnosis.
Speak “With” Them, Not Just “To” Them
Even if communication is difficult—or no longer possible—continue to speak with your loved one. Share your day. Ask for their opinion. Tell them how much you love them. Sit in silence together if that’s what the moment calls for.
During your visit, consider practical ways to include them in decision-making.
For example, go through their clothes together. Some items may no longer fit or feel comfortable, especially if they’ve become less active. Involve them—if they’re able—in choosing what to keep, and ask for their preferences. These small gestures offer dignity and reinforce their sense of self.
And if they can no longer speak, don’t let the silence stop you. Talking may feel one-sided, but it still matters. The warmth of your voice and presence can bring peace, familiarity, and comfort in unfamiliar surroundings where loneliness often lingers.
Simply being there—holding their hand, reading aloud, singing softly—can be profoundly healing.
The Spirit Beneath the Silence
A Personal Support Worker once shared a touching story about a woman she cared for in a long-term care home. This woman had once been deeply religious, attending daily mass and volunteering at her church. By the time the caregiver met her, dementia had taken hold—she no longer spoke, and her gaze often drifted blankly.
Knowing this about her client, the caregiver began to hum a familiar church hymn. At first, the woman remained still. But then, she gently tapped her finger. She began to hum along, ever so softly.
It wasn’t a grand gesture—but it was real. A moment of safety. A moment of presence. A glimpse of the vibrant woman who still lived inside. A lesson learned about not giving up on the person before dementia.
Their Story Is Still Being Written
Dementia may take away memories, words, and recognition—but it doesn’t erase a life.
When you choose to see who they are rather than just what they’ve lost, you become their anchor. You help preserve their humanity in a world that often defines them only by their symptoms.
Tell their story proudly–to your family, your kids, grandkids, the staff at the care home and everyone involved in their care. Share the memories.
Because by keeping their spirit alive, you’re doing something extraordinary:
You’re offering them dignity.
You’re offering yourself peace.
You’re reminding the world that a diagnosis does not define a person.
They deserve that. Everyone does.
Karen Tyrell CPCA, CDCP is a Dementia Consultant, Educator, Author & Advocate, and Founder of Personalized Dementia Solutions Inc. (www.DementiaSolutions.ca). Karen offers her expertise on dementia care through speaking engagements; workshops; support groups (both online and in-person) and by working one-on-one with families/caregivers to provide emotional support and practical solutions. She was also on the design team for The Village Langley (Verve Senior Living) and provides ongoing education to the Village team, families and the community. If you would like to learn more, please feel free to reach out.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.