Words are powerful. They carry the ability to comfort and uplift us. But sometimes, without meaning to, they can leave lasting wounds. Families who are trying their best to support a loved one with dementia, everyday conversations often carry more weight than we realise. A simple phrase spoken with the best of intentions might spark confusion and perhaps, even sadness. On the other hand, gentle and compassionate words can open doors to trust and joy.
At Verve Senior Living, we believe communication is more than just an exchange of information. It’s a chance to honour the person in front of us along with their memories and emotions. If you’re navigating the world of dementia care, you already know it’s not about having all the right answers. It’s about speaking with heart.
20 Phrases That Make a Difference in Dementia Care
Dementia doesn’t erase someone’s need for connection. It simply changes how they experience it. While memory may fade, emotions remain faithful. A kind phrase can spark calm and comfort; a sharp one, even unintentional, can leave someone unsettled for hours.
When we speak with kindness, we help protect a person’s dignity. Every word counts. It can either lift someone up or unintentionally bring them down. The way we talk makes people trust us. When we say kind things to our loved ones, they feel protected and cared for. Even if memories fade, our compassion still reaches the heart. Being kind also makes hard times less challenging. When you show empathy, it’s simpler for both caregivers and loved ones to deal with repeated queries or things they’ve forgotten.
With that in mind, here are 20 common phrases we might want to rethink, alongside softer alternatives that can make conversations feel much more comforting and clearer.
1. “Do you remember me?”
This question can seem like a test with no clear answer.
Instead, say, “I’m so glad to see you today.”
This is more about the joy of being together than about remembering things.
2. “I just told you that.”
Pointing out that something is repeated can make someone feel bad or angry.
Instead, say, “That’s a good question. Let me share again.”
By putting it in a favourable light, you are offering comfort instead of judgement.
3. “You asked me that already.”
Pointing out forgetfulness almost never helps.
Instead, say, “I don’t mind talking about it again.”
This shows that you are patient and steady, which are both good things.
4. “No, that’s not right.”
Being aggressive when correcting someone can make them feel upset.
Try this instead: “I see it a little differently. Would you like to hear my side?”
It politely respects their point of view while giving your own.
5. “Calm down.”
Even said gently, it can still come across as dismissive. It can still sound like you’re not interested. A nicer way to say it is, “I’m right here next to you. Let’s take a breath together, shall we?” This not only validates their feelings, but it also lets them realise they’re not alone.
6. “You can’t do that.”
Restrictions can make you feel like you don’t have any freedom.
Try instead: “Let me give you a hand with that.”
It keeps people protected while still keeping their dignity.
7. “That’s not how it happened.”
It might be frustrating to argue over facts. A polite alternative would be, “Tell me more about that.” The narrative might not be true, but the emotions behind it are.
8. “We’ve already eaten.”
Reminders could make things more confusing.
Instead, say, “Do you want a little snack?”
It meets the request with kindness, not with an argument.
9. “Don’t you remember?”
This sentence shows what isn’t there.
Instead, try saying, “Just so you know, this is one of my favourite stories.”
Sharing makes the situation more about working together than fixing things.
10. “You have to…”
Direct orders can be too much.
Try saying, “What if we do this together?” Partnership always makes things easier.
11. “Stop asking that.”
It’s normal to be frustrated, yet this phrase can hurt.
Reassure them by saying, “I’ll keep answering as many times as you need.”
12. “That’s not true.”
Telling someone their experience isn’t true could be hurtful.
Instead, say, “What does that feel like for you?”
Validation is more important than accuracy.
13. “You don’t live there anymore.”
Grief might get triggered when you correct someone.
Instead, say, “What did you like about that house?”
It encourages telling stories and making connections.
14. “What are you up to?”
Sometimes, this query can feel more like judgement than curiosity.
“Can you show me what you’re working on?” is a better way to say it.
It turns judgement into interest.
15. “No one says that.”
Words that make you feel bad about yourself lower your self-esteem.
Instead, say, “That’s a lovely way to put it.”
Encouragement helps people speak their minds.
16. “I already went over this.”
It means being impatient.
Instead, say, “Let me explain it again; I’m fine with that.”
Gentle repetition is very important for memory care.
17. “Don’t do that.”
Commands can make you feel weak.
Instead, say, “Let’s do something else together.”
Choice gives people dignity.
18. “You just told me that.”
Pointing out recurrence might be discouraging.
Instead, say, “That’s a great story. Thanks for sharing it again.”
And every time you share a story, it’s like a gift that slowly unwraps with every sentence.
19. “That doesn’t make sense.”
It’s not about logic; it’s about connection.
Instead, say: “I love how you think about that.”
Validation is more than just fixing something.
20. “You already know this.”
Expectations might make you feel low.
Instead, say, “Let’s go over this together.”
It makes an exam a group effort.
Practising Compassion Every Day
It takes time to change the way we speak. You need to be patient and gentle to yourself. Here are a few easy things to remember: Stop and think before you answer. Taking a deep breath helps you choose your words carefully.
Make sure your tone matches your message. A soft voice is just as important as soft words. Don’t worry about the facts; worry about how you feel. Recognise the feeling initially if someone you care about is upset.
Accept repetition. Don’t see it as a burden; see it as a chance to connect again. Enjoy the little things. A smile or a nod is just as good as a well-chosen sentence. These tiny changes make a tremendous impact in how people with dementia are cared for, whether they live at home or in a senior living centre.
The Heart Behind the Words
If you’ve found yourself using some of the “don’t” phrases above, please know you’re not alone. Caregiving is tender but sometimes, it can be tiring. What matters is the intention to keep up with compassion.
In memory care, it’s less about being exact and more about being there. We may not be able to keep every memory, but we can keep our dignity. We might not be able to stop people from being confused, but we can stop them from being ashamed. We might not always say the right thing, but we can always say something kind.
A Culture of Compassion at Verve Senior Living
Don’t worry if you’ve said some of the “don’t” phrases; you’re not the only one. Taking care of someone is a job that requires love and is very human. It’s okay to make mistakes. The choice to maintain being compassionate is what matters most. In memory care, it’s less important to get every detail correct and more important to just be there.
We might not be able to remember everything, but we can keep our dignity. We might not be able to stop uncertainty, but we can help stop shame.
Even if we can’t always find the right words, we can always pick the kind ones.
At Verve, our approach to memory care is built on that same foundation of empathy. As Ruth Langdon, Regional Director of Wellness in Western Canada, reminds us: “It’s not just about the resident, it’s a circle of care that includes their family.” And as Stephanie Barnes, Life Enrichment Manager, Carp Commons Retirement Village, beautifully put it: “It’s not about keeping them busy—it’s about what brings them joy.”
Earlier this year, we shared more of these stories from our residences and team members in Stepping Into Their World: The Heart of Memory Care at Verve. It’s a glimpse into how compassion, patience, and understanding shape everyday life for residents and families.
