Each of us has invisible boundaries that encompass our personal, private, and sacred spaces—whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. When someone crosses these boundaries, we may feel uncomfortable, insecure, or even threatened.
Understanding the Role of Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our physical, mental and emotional health. Without boundaries, family caregivers can easily become exhausted, leading to burnout, stress, and reduced ability to properly care for others.
Setting boundaries means establishing clear guidelines on what is and isn’t acceptable in terms of behaviour, time commitments, responsibilities, chores and emotional engagement. It involves being assertive and communicating needs and limits to others, whether it’s setting aside specific times for self-care, delegating tasks to other family members, or seeking professional help when needed.
While it is natural to want to be there for our loved one as much as possible, it is equally important to recognize the necessity of setting boundaries. It is about creating a healthy, manageable and sustainable environment where both the caregiver and the care recipient can thrive in the long-term.
How Boundaries Become Blurred: The Emotional Toll of Caregiving
Family caregivers often experience a range of intense emotions, including guilt, regret, sadness, frustration, and helplessness. These feelings are natural but can become overwhelming if not managed properly.
Guilt, in particular, can be a powerful and pervasive emotion. Caregivers may feel they are not doing enough or that they are abandoning their loved ones by placing them in a long-term care home. This guilt can drive caregivers to overcommit to their caregiving duties, staying for extended periods or visiting frequently despite the toll it takes on their own well-being.
Overcommitting can lead to physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. As caregivers push themselves to meet these self-imposed obligations, they may neglect their own health, sleep, and social needs. This relentless dedication, driven by guilt, can create a vicious cycle where the caregiver’s own quality of life deteriorates, making it even harder to provide effective care.
Moreover, the strain of overcommitting can lead to resentment. Caregivers may start to feel anger or frustration towards their loved ones, despite their deep affection and desire to help. This resentment can further compound feelings of guilt, as caregivers feel conflicted between their sense of duty and their need for self-care.
Setting boundaries early on or immediately after recognizing signs of stress can help prevent this vicious cycle of “guilt-overcommitting-resentment and anger-guilt.”
The Importance of Proactively Identifying and Clearly Communicating Your Limits
Reflect on your physical, emotional, financial and time limits.
Understanding what you can realistically manage is the first step in setting effective boundaries. Consider your work schedule, budget, other family responsibilities, and personal needs.
Open and honest communication with the person you’re caring for as well as other family members and other stakeholders is essential. Below is an example:
Proactive, Clear and Thoughtful Boundary-setting |
Unclear Boundary-setting that Can Trigger Anxiety from Someone with Dementia |
No Boundary-setting Nearing Caregiver Burnout that Can Trigger the Vicious Cycle of Guilt-Anger/Resentment-Guilt-Overcommitment |
“Mom, for now, I would love to come help you with morning routines, every Mondays and Thursdays until you get settled and used to the routines here at your new home. I need to be home for your grandkids. I have a calendar here which I will post on your wall that shows when I am coming over, ok? When school is out, I would be able to visit more frequently and I can bring them with me!” |
“Mom, I will try to come as often as I can, ok? They’ll take care of you here. They know how to reach me if they have any questions.” |
“Mom, between my work schedule and grandkids, you know I’m very busy. I barely have time for myself. Please don’t be angry with me. I’m doing the best I can. I can’t come and do your laundry everyday and go to the grocery whenever you need me to. I did that in the beginning because I wanted to help you get settled. They have what you need here. They can help you more than I can.” |
– Expectations were set and communicated clearly and in a loving way
– Used a visual reminder (ie. calendar) helps prevent/reduce anxiety and also provides LTC staff with a reference to help direct the person if the person asks “when is my daughter coming?”
– She did not overcommit.
– She made plans for the future, buying herself some time to the possibility that Mom would have adjusted to her new surroundings. |
– Mom was unclear on when her daughter will come again. May trigger uncertainty, anxiety, insecurity and exit-seeking.
– Mom has just moved to a new care home and may already feel some anxiety in her new environment. Not having a clear plan on if and when her daughter is coming back will only heighten her insecurity.
– There is a high likelihood that her Mom would be exit-seeking. If staff is unable to support, Mom may be prematurely given anti-anxiety medications when these could have been prevented by clear communication and visual aids. |
– This caregiver set the bar too high from the beginning. She over-committed and is now unable to consistently meet the needs that her Mom got used to, and is starting to show signs of anger, frustration and burnout.
– She may have waited too long before asking for help and getting support from peers or a dementia consultant who could have prepared her on what to expect and how best to avoid situations like this. |
If you have found yourself overcommitting to your caregiving responsibilities, remember that it’s never too late to reassess your situation. Having an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with your loved one about your needs and setting necessary boundaries can make a significant difference. Clear communication can help create a more sustainable caregiving dynamic for both you and your loved one.
Setting boundaries as a family caregiver is not a sign of neglect or lack of love. It is a proactive approach that prevents burnout, preserves physical and emotional health, and allows for sustainable caregiving. Remember, taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it is a necessity for providing the best possible care for your loved one.
Seeking the support of a counsellor or a dementia consultant can be incredibly beneficial. These professionals have the wisdom and experience to provide you with practical advice on how to approach the situation. They can guide you on effective communication strategies and help you navigate the complexities of caregiving, ensuring that your needs are met while you continue to provide the best possible care for your loved one.
Karen Tyrell CPCA, CDCP is a Dementia Consultant, Educator, Author & Advocate, and Founder of Personalized Dementia Solutions Inc. (www.DementiaSolutions.ca). Karen offers her expertise on dementia care through speaking engagements; workshops; support groups (both online and in-person) and by working one-on-one with families/caregivers to provide emotional support and practical solutions. She was also on the design team for The Village Langley (Verve Senior Living) and provides ongoing education to the Village team, families and the community. If you would like to learn more, please feel free to reach out.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this blog are provided for information purposes only. They are not intended to replace clinical diagnosis or medical advice from a health professional.